Thursday, December 17, 2009

Super weird wedding dream last night

Apparently stressing about my wedding when awake isn’t enough, I have to stress about it in my dreams too. I woke up very confused and upset after this one:

I was getting ready for my wedding and my mom was there (she had not died in my dream). She was eating something and managed to get mustard all down her front, then brushed against me and got it on the white outfit I was wearing for the wedding. For some reason I was not wearing a gown for the wedding in my dream. I was really upset and decided to walk home to change. Simon (my fiancé) went with me, and in my dream I lived in the house I used to live in with my mother and sister.

I noticed he was wearing jeans and sneakers and got mad at him for wearing them for the wedding. He said I had told him it was casual and that he could wear anything he wanted. I responded that I thought he'd at least dress up a little. We got to my (old) house and I began looking for a dress in my closet. Simon tried offering opinions but I couldn't decide on anything. The hours flew by and eventually I was 5 hours late for my wedding. Nothing seemed to be going right.

Now I've had lots of dreams like this, which I suppose is normal. I'm worried about things going wrong with the wedding since I'm mainly planning it all myself, and my dreams make the worst possible scenarios come to life. I don't have any flowers, I'm late, I have no outfit, etc. This all despite the fact that I have finished most of these things already. This is the first one with my mother in it. I miss her terribly and it makes me so sad that she's not alive to see me get married. In this dream, I was super frustrated with her clumsiness, which often happened while she was alive. She was always too slow, too stupid, too clumsy for me, and I was very hard on her for it. Luckily I started treating her much better towards the end of her life, but I still of course feel a lot of guilt.

Dreams like this, no matter how unlikely, stress me out even more. I can just imagine running late that day, the limo not showing up, some item missing in action. It will happen, I’m sure. What I’m not sure about is whether I’ll be able to keep my cool when it does. I know the advice; you can’t control everything, just go with the flow, what seems like a big deal at the time will mean nothing later. I mean, when I was a bridesmaid and we were getting the bride ready, we were all 45 min. late! And the world didn’t end!

I don’t trust myself not to freak out. I need someone to be my anti-freak-out captain. Probably either of my two bridesmaids. My sister, Maid of Honor, gets stressed as easily as I do, so the bridesmaids, both moms of young children and QUEENS of “going with the flow,” are my best choices.

Deep breaths…

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